I moved here in 2015, it’s when I came out. Wow! Nearly ten years ago. How fast has that gone? I’m 68 now and reinventing myself. I am changing how I dress, I want to wear these type of clothes now, show my legs. It feels great and important. I have tattoos all over, the butterfly on my legs I had done in Thailand. I have large hands and can’t get good rings, so I had my fingers decorated. I was going to have a Ziggy Stardust spark done on my upper arm, I nearly did it, but I’m glad I didn’t now.
I was a farmer, I had cattle and 50 acres. I raced bikes and lorries. I loved that life with my wife and children, a son and a daughter. We worked hard and we did well. I achieved alot. I took part and won at races in Europe and Britain, I became a British Champion. I won awards for making Cider. But I had to do this – be me. I’m guilty of living a lie, and this lie meant my children and wife no longer want to speak to or see me. This is painful and I am eternally sorry to have hurt them.
I always knew. I knew from being a kid when we played Cowboys and Indians. The suede outfit was very attractive to me. But I was told not to mess about by my Granny, so I hid this part of me. Then when I was married, we had a fancy dress party. I wore women’s clothes and I didn’t want to take them off. I lived as a man for a further 37 years. I kept it a secret. I was successful at all these things but I still had all this need. In the back of my head, I knew I had to deal with what I was feeling. But I’d never met a trans-woman before, I didn’t have any knowledges of others who were like me.
One day I took my shotgun into the yard with one cartridge in and was going to kill myself. Terrible. But I decided go to the Doctor instead and he was so helpful. It still took another 2 years before I did or said anything to anyone. I went to Leeds to try and meet and talk to people, but I went to the clubs and bars at 10am! I was a farmer used to getting up in the morning. They all laughed and said “Yes you’re in the right place, you’re just 12 hours too early!” I bought a woman’s jacket and wore it with my jeans and shoes. God it felt so good.
When I told the family I was trans I lost everything. I was told I was a disgrace. My family disowned me and I still don’t have any contact with them. It’s heart breaking. But I had to do this. I never wanted to leave my wife or get divorced. But I also understand. I have never done anything by halves. If you don’t go full at something you never get anything. My wife knew this, she said we could stay married, but I would have to hide who I was. I couldn’t do that anymore. Funnily, the bike community I was part of were fine. I went racing one year as man and then the next time I went I was a woman and no one ever said anything. They just were themselves. I guess I was respected.
We need to talk more about what it’s like, what it was like, and how hard it still is. I want to get people to accept anyone. What anyone does is up to them, there should be no judgement. I think I give people permission to have more courage. I’ve had lots of men talk to me who want to do what I’ve done, but they are too scared of losing everything. And that’s the serious stuff, because it’s true.
